Acceptance

I accept that I am a woman worthy of giving and receiving
respect, love and honesty in all it’s forms.
I accept my heart and mind as the most powerful tools I own .
I accept my body with it’s rounded, womanly curves and it’s life giving ability.
I accept love unconditionally.
I accept all my emotions as they occur and let them go when they’ve run their course.
I accept that worry and anxiety are useless to my growth.
I accept that change is up to me.
I accept that nobody but me is responsible for how I feel at any given moment.
I accept that people’s loyalties change and that I have no control over this.
I accept that any criticism I make of others, only points out areas of insecurity within myself.
I accept that any criticism others make of me, only points out areas of
insecurity within themselves.
I accept that my words will only resonate with others when they are ready to listen.
I accept that what I have to say will not be true for everyone.
I accept that there is a divine purpose for my existence.
I accept that most people prefer to be right rather than wrong.
I accept that I am not always right.
I accept that I have the right to speak my mind without fear of persecution.
I accept that while I don’t always agree with others, I still have the ability to
love them for who they are.
I accept that some people choose not to love me, and for reasons that are their own.
I accept and give thanks for my good health.
I accept and give thanks for my family.
I accept and give thanks for my friends, old and new.
I accept that what has gone, has gone for good, and for good reason.
And I accept that the future is only controlled by my ability to accept this very moment .

The desired effect....

Eat Pray Love. Have you seen the movie, or read the book? It seems as though it has had the desired effect on my friends, and it certainly stirred a few things up for me too. I've only seen the movie at this stage, but when I can get my hands on a copy of the book, I'll be buried in it for a few days, I'm sure!

It got me on a few levels. Superficially, I just adored Julia Roberts who played the role of Liz Gilbert. She is my favourite actress right now, and I applaud the fact that she isn't afraid to age. I loved looking at her face in the close ups, and noticing those fine lines around her eyes, and the creases on her forehead. She is aging exactly the way she is supposed to, and that can't be easy to do in Hollywood!

The cinematography was like gourmet eye candy, and thankfully I had two and half hours to satiate that hunger! The gypsy in me was ready to pack up and board the next plane. It is set in Italy, India and Bali. Italy is at the top of my holiday wishlist. I still can't believe we didn't get there during our stint in London! India was my honeymoon destination, and a land of incredible spirituality - there's something profoundly enlightening when a country can lack so much materialistically, yet be so rich in spirit. And Bali is my old faithful - she has been awaiting my return for some years now. If the movie was to have had only one success, it was to give me incredibly itchy feet!

The part that has everyone talking though, is of course the spiritual journey Liz went on, and just as importantly, the way she did it. I don't know if it's the way the world is moving, or if it is just impending middle-age (yes girls, we ARE getting older!!), but a number of my friends are starting to question their paths, and their lives in general, and I think this is so exciting!

We're not all going to be lucky enough to go on such a sabbatical, and we can only dream about have an amazing adventure and then being paid a fortune to write about it! But that doesn't mean that we can't begin our own journey right now. It just takes one little dream, a little bit of determination, and one small step at a time. If you've seen the movie, do you remember the picture that Ketut gave to Liz on her first visit to Bali?

This one (sorry about the quality) -

I felt as though it had been drawn for me.

Each one of us has a unique story to tell. Sometimes it can take years to work out what your purpose is, and at other times it can be as simple as laying your eyes on a picture. My discovery of self is far from over, but it was been guided lovingly back on track by that simple sketch. The four legs planted firmly on Mother Earth, reminded me how important it was to remain grounded and to concentrate on now only. What is happening in this moment is all the focus I need. My life is not to be defined by what I was 5, 10 or 20 years ago, but by who I am right now.

It also reminded me that I need to learn how to meditate properly, and that I need to do it more often. I have a busy, busy mind, and it often keeps me awake at night. My thirst for knowledge has attributed to that, but it's my thirst for wisdom that's urging me to still it. I'm learning more and more to think with my heart, and while it was a concept that befuddled me at the start, it now makes perfect sense. When you smile, and smile regularly, you remove yourself from the egotistical emotions that are attached to a thought. I think the symbolism in the sketch is quite amazing. Seeing from your heart as well as thinking from your heart would allow for such a richness in experience.

So with all of that, I am setting myself a goal. Actually, two goals. I am going to set my alarm for 30 minutes earlier than normal, and I am going to take myself outside to greet the day. I want to start my morning with some yoga and some meditation. Secondly, I am going to buy myself the best journal I can afford - I've seen some gorgeous ones on etsy. Getting my thoughts onto paper will surely help to calm my restless mind, and maybe make some sense of my wonderfully unique experiences.

The way I see it ...... each little plan, each little goal, each little dream,
is one step closer to something bigger.

Much bigger.

The prayer that I forgot

This prayer was written by Paulo Coelho. One of my favourite writers, and someone who continually inspires me with his wise words and his provocative thoughts. It was written in the early eighties, and published in a book of poetry. Paulo thought it had been long forgotten, only to have it handed to him as a pamphlet while he was walking down the street one day in Sao Paulo. Imagine his shock when he realised the words printed were his own!

I came across it last night, fell in love with it, and just had to share it.

Lord, protect our doubts, because Doubt is a way of praying. It is Doubt that makes us grow because it forces us to look fearlessly at the many answers that exist to one question. And in order for this to be possible…

Lord, protect our decisions, because making Decisions is a way of praying. Give us the courage, after our doubts, to be able to choose between one road and another. May our YES always be a YES and our NO always be a NO. Once we have chosen our road, may we never look back nor allow our soul to be eaten away by remorse. And in order for this to be possible…

Lord, protect our actions, because Action is a way of praying. May our daily bread be the result of the very best that we carry within us. May we, through work and Action, share a little of the love we receive. And in order for this to be possible…

Lord, protect our dreams, because to Dream is a way of praying. Make sure that, regardless of our age or our circumstances, we are capable of keeping alight in our heart the sacred flame of hope and perseverance. And in order for this to be possible…

Lord, give us enthusiasm, because Enthusiasm is a way of praying. It is what binds us to the Heavens and to Earth, to grown-ups and to children, it is what tells us that our desires are important and deserve our best efforts. It is Enthusiasm that reaffirms to us that everything is possible, as long as we are totally committed to what we are doing. And in order for this to be possible…

Lord, protect us, because Life is the only way we have of making manifest Your miracle. May the earth continue to transform seeds into wheat, may we continue to transmute wheat into bread. And this is only possible if we have Love; therefore, do not leave us in solitude. Always give us Your company, and the company of men and women who have doubts, who act and dream and feel enthusiasm, and who live each day as if it were totally dedicated to Your glory.

Amen

Desire by Buddha Bar

I love these lyrics and I love this lusty, sensual video that goes with them...

A lover knows only humility, he has no choice.
He steals into your alley at night, he has no choice.
He longs to kiss every lock of your hair, don't fret,
he has no choice.
In his frenzied love for you, he longs to break the chains of his imprisonment,
he has no choice.

A lover asked his beloved:
- Do you love yourself more than you love me?
Beloved replied: I have died to myself and I live for you.
I've disappeared from myself and my attributes,
I am present only for you.
I've forgotten all my learnings,
but from knowing you I've become a scholar.
I've lost all my strength, but from your power I am able.

I love myself...I love you.
I love you...I love myself.

I am your lover, come to my side,
I will open the gate to your love.
Come settle with me, let us be neighbours to the stars.
You have been hiding so long, endlessly drifting in the sea of my love.
Even so, you have always been connected to me.
Concealed, revealed, in the unknown, in the un-manifest.
I am life itself.

You have been a prisoner of a little pond,
I am the ocean and its turbulent flood.
Come merge with me,
leave this world of ignorance.
Be with me, I will open the gate to your love.

I desire you more than food or drink
My body my senses my mind hunger for your taste
I can sense your presence in my heart
although you belong to all the world
I wait with silent passion for one gesture one glance
from you.

Hard Core Love - Lenore Kandel

Do you believe me when I say you're beautiful

I stand here and look at you out of the vision of my eyes

and into the vision of your eyes and I see you and you're an

animal

and I see you and you're divine and I see you and you're a

divine animal

and you're beautiful

the divine is not separate from the beast; it is the total creature that

transcends itself

the messiah that has been invoked is already here

you are the messiah waiting to be born again into your awareness

you are beautiful; we are all beautiful

you are divine; we are all divine

divinity becomes apparent on it's own recognition

accept the being that you are

and illuminate yourself by your own clear light

(Photo source)

I think I've found a new wild woman to explore! Many thanks to Blogger for sharing this wonderful 'Blog of Note' today - Cabinet of Curiosities - the source of my discovery.

I'm off to learn more about Lenore Kandel....

An Imbolc Birthday

I guess it's no coincidence that birthdays for me are a time of renewal. I always feel particularly melancholy in the days leading up to a birthday. Not because of my increasing age though, and it's not a sad kind of melancholy. Can you be melancholic but not sad? Hmmm... I think so. To me it's a kind of reflective emotion, and one that allows me to process what has happened in the previous year, and then simultaneously wave it goodbye and let it go.

My birthday always falls around Imbolc, but it's only been this year, that in my reflection I have come to realise that I have always felt the presence of this occasion without really knowing why. Imbolc is the first festival of spring on the Pagan Wheel of the Year and is celebrated to welcome the first buds of life that come with spring and the dwindling winter cold. It's a time of beginnings, and a time to plan carefully what the coming year might have in store for you. Instinctively this is something that I have always done, and it is empowering to know that I have been subconsciously in touch with this celebration all along.

This birthday Imbolc of mine was particularly sacred. I spent twenty fours alone. Some of the time I just spent looking and thinking. It might sound boring to some, but there isn't a lot of time left during a normal week, for me to just 'be'. I also did some intuitive tarot readings for myself. They were particularly interesting and confirmed exactly what my contemplating had brought forth. I also wrote. I did a lot of that actually, and I wrote 'my' story. Eight pages of it! Writing is always cathartic for me, but this story allowed me to purge myself of so many emotions and thoughts. It's not a story I wish to share with anyone though, and tonight under the moon, I will burn each of those pages. There's a lot of finality that comes with burning, and I hope that my own little Imbolc ritual will help me to welcome in what ever it is that I am go on with this year.


Imbolc literally means 'in the belly', and that is exactly where I feel I have been over the last few days. I've been in the belly of the Great Mother, up in the most majestic of rainforests, and I've contemplated my birth, and my emergence from the belly of my own mother. Mostly though, I feel I've been in my own belly. I've danced with my soul and now I'm ready.

Standing alone...

"Stand up for what you believe in, even if it means standing alone."

I 'liked' this on Facebook this afternoon, but the reality of it didn't occur to me until a little later on.

I have felt quite alone in my thoughts of late, and although I have plenty of like-minded friends, it has been a lonely twelve months for me. It's hard to talk about my experiences with those who don't really understand them, and harder still to share them with others who have no concept of spirituality, let alone the feminine mysteries! Lucky for me I have a large and varied circle of friends, and of course, the most wonderful husband!

Standing alone has been tough, but at the same time, it has been liberating. I knew there was something wonderful waiting for me, but I didn't know that it would create so much initial turmoil! The biggest lesson for me so far has been acceptance. You read alot about how important it is to be happy with the person you are, but in reality it can be a difficult thing to achieve. Superficially it sounds easy, but true acceptance comes from really digging deep down inside and confronting everything you ever thought you knew about yourself. Again, easier said than done. Most of my lessons have come when I have least expected them. They hit me upside the head and rattled every pre-conceived notion I had of who I was. They made me stand alone.

But I no longer feel ostracised. I no longer feel angry that my choices and thoughts have separated me from all that I have ever known. Now I feel complete. I wholly accept myself, both physically and emotionally. I'm happy to be different, and I don't give two razoos what anyone else thinks!!!

My Wintersong

My journey is taking me to some amazing places, both physically and spiritually, and this winter solstice has allowed me to experience some more of the truths that both surround me, and journey within me. I have also felt for the first time, deeply connected to this seasonal celebration and it's prominent place on the Wheel of the Year.

The crisp dark nights of winter have given me the opportunity to withdraw and journey deeper into who I am. It has been a time of reflection, a time to be alone, and a time to ponder on what needs to be stripped away, and rebirthed. As a busy mother with a hectic schedule, it isn't always possible to spend time in meditation, but the mysteries work when we least expect them to, and most of my ruminating has been done in dreaming. Aided of course, by the beautiful mugwort dream pillows I made with my spirit sisters last month!

The first dream came to me a week ago, and it was beautiful.

I was walking alone down the street when the snow came. It covered everything, and the stark white of it was piercing. I was overwhelmed by it's beauty, but felt I needed to rush home to tell my children to look outside. By the time I got home the rain had come, and it had washed all the snow away. It left me bewildered and disappointed that I hadn't been able to share this experience with my babies.

It took me a few days of pondering to realise that this dream was telling me that it isn't important to share everything. That some things are sacred to only me, and that despite my closeness to others (my children, my husband, family etc), it is important to keep some things inside in order to keep MY soul topped up. I do have a tendency to want to share everything with everyone, and this has gotten me in to trouble numerous times. Some people just don't think like I do, and it's been a hard lesson to learn!

The second dream occurred in the early hours of Saturday morning and was very confronting.

I dreamt that was laying alone in bed and had discovered that my pubic hair had grown ridiculously long! As long as a ponytail, in fact. I was mystified and horrified at the same time, and decided that it just wouldn't do. I reached for a pair of scissors, bunched the hair up and cut it all off. Satisfied that I had done the job, I hopped out of bed only to realise that I hadn't cut my pubic hair, but had in fact, cut my clothes. I was standing, looking down at myself, and at the shreds of fabric hanging off me.

This one didn't take so long to figure out, and the meditative drive up the mountain later that morning certainly helped. Symbolically my pubic hair is the inner me. The yoni is the sacred well of women's mysteries, and in this dream it represents me and my soul life. My clothing is symbolic of the outer me, or the me that I display to the world. The dream is telling me that it's time to cut away what is portrayed to others, and to display the real me. The me that is living THIS life, whether others like it or not. It is confirming that I don't need to change who am at my core, or to alter my truth for anyone. There is no need to fear who I have become, nor to fear what others may think of the person that I truly am.

This solstice weekend has truly been wonderful. I have spent time in solitude, enjoyed a funny, yet heart wrenching circle with my spirit sisters, witnessed the beautiful initiation of a friend, and journeyed the winter spiral with my family. Along the way, I have uncovered some truths, and delved deeper into who I am as a woman in this world. It also appears that my journey with Lilith is not over yet! She's back, she's screeching at me, and she is helping me strip away, properly this time, all that I thought I had dealt with. I know now that my reflection is my truth, and this solstice will see the resurrection and rebirth of myself.

My wintersong is quite simply me.

Depth

Go inside yourself and see how deep is the place from which your life flows.

- Rainer Maria Rilke

The Resurrection of Desire

Like a seed it lays dormant. Buried deep. Buried from the light until it's knowing burns too bright to be ignored. The tugging, pulling, frantic urge intensifies and it's inate need for resurrection returns. It fights to stay hidden where comfort reigns. Where stability and solace burn warmly in it's heart. But the urge to change is too strong, and the ache too powerful. The call to bliss is too hard to resist. It needs release.

Wild abandon.

Freedom and fulfillment.

There's something about Mary

... Magdalene, that is.

There is so much about this amazing woman that intrigues me, but up until almost twelve months ago, I had not given her too much thought. I knew her as one of the weeping women at the foot of the cross, and as the woman who discovered the empty cave on the day of the resurrection but that was where my knowledge of Mary Magdalene ended.

Something strange started happening to me last year though, and Mary was everywhere. I had known for many years that my path was waiting for me, and that I would be led in the right direction at some point, but it took Mary to shine that light. Over a period of several weeks, the Magdalene began her work on me, and she popped up in the most unusual places. I kept seeing pictures of her, on television, in books, and in magazines. Novels that I was reading mentioned her several times, and I even saw ads on the TV for documentaries about her life. It became a little private joke between my husband and I for a while, 'Oh look, there's Mary again!' etc, until I realised that perhaps I had better look into her a little deeper, and find out what it was that she was trying to tell me.

So I googled. And I googled. And I googled until I understood. Mary was far more than I knew her to be. I now know her to be one of the most important of Jesus' disciples, and was more than likely to have been his partner or perhaps even his wife. She was a strong, intelligent woman who helped Jesus show people 'the way', and some believe her to have had the deepest understanding of his teachings - more so than any of his better known disciples. Somehow her story became warped over time though, and with the help of the church and their anti-women dogma, she became the fallen woman - the prostitute. In New Testament writings however, the church withdrew this statement and she is now considered a saint by the Catholic Church, and her teachings are becoming more and more popular. Is this because the church feel sorry for the defamation of her character?

During my googling, I came across a website for the Goddess Association of Australia. I was led here as the theme for their upcoming conference was Magdalene. Coincidence? I think not. I believe that this is what Mary was pointing me to all along. I must have spent hours scouring the website and learning everything I could. I had never heard of a Goddess Association, and really had no idea what it was about. I only knew that I found something really important. From the website, I came across a lady called Ashra who runs Moontree. Her website was like a slap upside the face to me! Literally. Without knowing what I was looking for, I somehow knew I'd found it. I enrolled in her four session Phoenix Rising course, and during this I felt as though I had come home. I cried, and I laughed - more so, in the car on the way home after each session, as the realisations of this journey hit me.

So after lots more reading, lots and lots more googling, attending the Goddess Conference (and discovering many friends who I had no idea were on this same path!), I now find myself in my first thirteen moons with Mikailah at Lily Womyn. I'm still learning, and I am still trying to make sense of everything that has shown itself to me in the last year, but I will always be eternally grateful to Mary Magdalene. She embodies the Divine Mother - that beautiful feminine force in all women. The part of us that has been hidden away for centuries, but that cries out to us from our soul. I didn't know my soul was crying, but I do know now that it is rejoicing.

Something is lost....

Something is found
They will keep on speaking Her name
Somethings change
Some stay the same...

Inspiring words from one of my favourite songs.

Without searching, I found something that I had been unconsciously looking for for nearly 15 years. When I look back now, the signs were all there. I just didn't know how to put them together. Now that I have completed that puzzle, I am on a journey far bigger than I had ever expected.

I've returned to Goddess, and I'm really excited!