My Wintersong

My journey is taking me to some amazing places, both physically and spiritually, and this winter solstice has allowed me to experience some more of the truths that both surround me, and journey within me. I have also felt for the first time, deeply connected to this seasonal celebration and it's prominent place on the Wheel of the Year.

The crisp dark nights of winter have given me the opportunity to withdraw and journey deeper into who I am. It has been a time of reflection, a time to be alone, and a time to ponder on what needs to be stripped away, and rebirthed. As a busy mother with a hectic schedule, it isn't always possible to spend time in meditation, but the mysteries work when we least expect them to, and most of my ruminating has been done in dreaming. Aided of course, by the beautiful mugwort dream pillows I made with my spirit sisters last month!

The first dream came to me a week ago, and it was beautiful.

I was walking alone down the street when the snow came. It covered everything, and the stark white of it was piercing. I was overwhelmed by it's beauty, but felt I needed to rush home to tell my children to look outside. By the time I got home the rain had come, and it had washed all the snow away. It left me bewildered and disappointed that I hadn't been able to share this experience with my babies.

It took me a few days of pondering to realise that this dream was telling me that it isn't important to share everything. That some things are sacred to only me, and that despite my closeness to others (my children, my husband, family etc), it is important to keep some things inside in order to keep MY soul topped up. I do have a tendency to want to share everything with everyone, and this has gotten me in to trouble numerous times. Some people just don't think like I do, and it's been a hard lesson to learn!

The second dream occurred in the early hours of Saturday morning and was very confronting.

I dreamt that was laying alone in bed and had discovered that my pubic hair had grown ridiculously long! As long as a ponytail, in fact. I was mystified and horrified at the same time, and decided that it just wouldn't do. I reached for a pair of scissors, bunched the hair up and cut it all off. Satisfied that I had done the job, I hopped out of bed only to realise that I hadn't cut my pubic hair, but had in fact, cut my clothes. I was standing, looking down at myself, and at the shreds of fabric hanging off me.

This one didn't take so long to figure out, and the meditative drive up the mountain later that morning certainly helped. Symbolically my pubic hair is the inner me. The yoni is the sacred well of women's mysteries, and in this dream it represents me and my soul life. My clothing is symbolic of the outer me, or the me that I display to the world. The dream is telling me that it's time to cut away what is portrayed to others, and to display the real me. The me that is living THIS life, whether others like it or not. It is confirming that I don't need to change who am at my core, or to alter my truth for anyone. There is no need to fear who I have become, nor to fear what others may think of the person that I truly am.

This solstice weekend has truly been wonderful. I have spent time in solitude, enjoyed a funny, yet heart wrenching circle with my spirit sisters, witnessed the beautiful initiation of a friend, and journeyed the winter spiral with my family. Along the way, I have uncovered some truths, and delved deeper into who I am as a woman in this world. It also appears that my journey with Lilith is not over yet! She's back, she's screeching at me, and she is helping me strip away, properly this time, all that I thought I had dealt with. I know now that my reflection is my truth, and this solstice will see the resurrection and rebirth of myself.

My wintersong is quite simply me.

Depth

Go inside yourself and see how deep is the place from which your life flows.

- Rainer Maria Rilke

The Resurrection of Desire

Like a seed it lays dormant. Buried deep. Buried from the light until it's knowing burns too bright to be ignored. The tugging, pulling, frantic urge intensifies and it's inate need for resurrection returns. It fights to stay hidden where comfort reigns. Where stability and solace burn warmly in it's heart. But the urge to change is too strong, and the ache too powerful. The call to bliss is too hard to resist. It needs release.

Wild abandon.

Freedom and fulfillment.

There's something about Mary

... Magdalene, that is.

There is so much about this amazing woman that intrigues me, but up until almost twelve months ago, I had not given her too much thought. I knew her as one of the weeping women at the foot of the cross, and as the woman who discovered the empty cave on the day of the resurrection but that was where my knowledge of Mary Magdalene ended.

Something strange started happening to me last year though, and Mary was everywhere. I had known for many years that my path was waiting for me, and that I would be led in the right direction at some point, but it took Mary to shine that light. Over a period of several weeks, the Magdalene began her work on me, and she popped up in the most unusual places. I kept seeing pictures of her, on television, in books, and in magazines. Novels that I was reading mentioned her several times, and I even saw ads on the TV for documentaries about her life. It became a little private joke between my husband and I for a while, 'Oh look, there's Mary again!' etc, until I realised that perhaps I had better look into her a little deeper, and find out what it was that she was trying to tell me.

So I googled. And I googled. And I googled until I understood. Mary was far more than I knew her to be. I now know her to be one of the most important of Jesus' disciples, and was more than likely to have been his partner or perhaps even his wife. She was a strong, intelligent woman who helped Jesus show people 'the way', and some believe her to have had the deepest understanding of his teachings - more so than any of his better known disciples. Somehow her story became warped over time though, and with the help of the church and their anti-women dogma, she became the fallen woman - the prostitute. In New Testament writings however, the church withdrew this statement and she is now considered a saint by the Catholic Church, and her teachings are becoming more and more popular. Is this because the church feel sorry for the defamation of her character?

During my googling, I came across a website for the Goddess Association of Australia. I was led here as the theme for their upcoming conference was Magdalene. Coincidence? I think not. I believe that this is what Mary was pointing me to all along. I must have spent hours scouring the website and learning everything I could. I had never heard of a Goddess Association, and really had no idea what it was about. I only knew that I found something really important. From the website, I came across a lady called Ashra who runs Moontree. Her website was like a slap upside the face to me! Literally. Without knowing what I was looking for, I somehow knew I'd found it. I enrolled in her four session Phoenix Rising course, and during this I felt as though I had come home. I cried, and I laughed - more so, in the car on the way home after each session, as the realisations of this journey hit me.

So after lots more reading, lots and lots more googling, attending the Goddess Conference (and discovering many friends who I had no idea were on this same path!), I now find myself in my first thirteen moons with Mikailah at Lily Womyn. I'm still learning, and I am still trying to make sense of everything that has shown itself to me in the last year, but I will always be eternally grateful to Mary Magdalene. She embodies the Divine Mother - that beautiful feminine force in all women. The part of us that has been hidden away for centuries, but that cries out to us from our soul. I didn't know my soul was crying, but I do know now that it is rejoicing.

Something is lost....

Something is found
They will keep on speaking Her name
Somethings change
Some stay the same...

Inspiring words from one of my favourite songs.

Without searching, I found something that I had been unconsciously looking for for nearly 15 years. When I look back now, the signs were all there. I just didn't know how to put them together. Now that I have completed that puzzle, I am on a journey far bigger than I had ever expected.

I've returned to Goddess, and I'm really excited!